Carrie Gadek

Ever since I can remember, I have always found comfort in prayer. I turn to it at times of joy, of thanksgiving, of fear, anger, sorrow and hopelessness. My earliest memories of the church are going to Trinity Lutheran Church in El Sobrante with my grandmother and trying to sit still in those hard, wooden pews. To this day, the smell of a candle being extinguished takes me back to being in church: to the end of the Lutheran service when the acolyte would extinguish the alter candles and the church was dismissed. It was a feeling of relief -- relief that I could get up and move around -- but also a fulfillment like no other. That feeling of wholeness that only the Lord brings.

I was baptized Lutheran and married in a Lutheran church. And when it came time to baptize the children, Jarek and I chose the Lutheran religion. Jarek is Catholic and was raised in a Catholic home; and while he and I have always shared the same beliefs and values when it came to our faith, up to that point, my personal experience with the Catholic religion was all what it was NOT about. Sadly, I had not yet found the need to want to know more about the Catholic church.

And then in 2014 my life began an entirely new path. We had just registered our oldest, Roman, for Kindergarten at the local public elementary school. It was the district building right around the corner from St. Catherine of Siena Parish in Martinez. But throughout the entire process, something just didn’t sit right with it. From the idea of having him in only a 3-hour a day Kindergarten class, to not knowing whether it would be morning or afternoon, no idea who the teacher was going to be, and then hearing what the class ratio was -- there was just this uneasy feeling that I couldn’t let go of. I walked out of the building and I remember to this day the sound of the church bells ringing and children playing, and I recalled there was a private school downtown. Something just told me to walk there and knock on the door. And so I did.

I rang the bell and was greeted by then-principal Valerie Spangenberg. Immediately I was welcomed in and offered a tour. Right then and there, I was walked through the halls and up the stairs, and I remember seeing the crucifix on the wall with Jesus, and thinking to myself, “Wow, that’s something you’d never see in a public school”. She showed me the different grades, and immediately I noticed the small class sizes. The only thing I can compare it to was when we found our first home. I got this excited, warm fuzzy feeling. But the whole time I just kept thinking, “There’s no way we can afford this”. I also wondered about the fact that Roman was Lutheran, and not Catholic. And so I asked, and I was surprised to hear her response that our religion was not a condition of enrollment, and they welcomed children and families of all faiths. That was my first introduction to what the Catholic church WAS about.

And so we enrolled. And yes, we could afford it. As a matter of fact, the tuition was less than what we would be paying in morning and aftercare alone at public school. We said we would give it a year, and most likely transfer out. But within three months we were hooked. We began to build friendships, we became a part of the community, and eventually a part of the parish.

I think it was a few months into first grade that Roman started asking if we could go to the School Mass. At that time we were that typical family that always said we would go to church next Sunday, but then Sunday morning would come and go. And by then we had a 5-year old and a 2-year old, and the idea of spending our Sunday morning trying to get both of these children to sit through a church service was not our idea of relaxing. We went -- on Christmas and Easter Sunday.

We were also Lutheran-church hopping at that time. Trying to find the church that was the right fit. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. I was reluctant to go to a Catholic church: I had never been to a Catholic Mass, other than the Polish Christmas Eve service with Jarek's family. But Roman continued to ask, and so we went. And from the moment we entered St. Catherine it just felt right. I sat down in the pew and it brought me right back to my childhood of sitting next to my grandmother, wiggling around, asking to go get a sip of water or go to the bathroom. And even though Roman and Zosia wouldn’t sit still through the entire Mass, we never once felt judged, or got dirty looks, or were asked to leave. We felt welcomed. It felt whole. And in my heart, I knew we had found the church that was just right.

And so, fast-forward about two years, and we had been going to Mass on a more regular basis. Jarek and I noticed that we longed to go to Mass on Sunday, our weeks just didn’t start off right without going. We’d grown closer to the school and built friendships that are now more like family, and I started to have questions. One of the first Masses I remember of Fr. Anthony's touched so close to home. He was giving a homily on how in order to be a better father, one needs to be a better son of God. At that time, I was struggling with the challenges of being a working mother and wife and feeling distant from my family. And my answer that I had been praying for was right there in his homily. In order to be a better mother, I needed to be a better daughter of Christ. It was one of those homilies that you leave church with feeling as though the Father wrote it just for you. Looking back, I think that was my first sign from God that he was directing me on this journey.

Shortly thereafter Roman asked to enter into his first Communion. And my initial reaction was that he couldn’t, due to the fact that he was baptized Lutheran. When we spoke with the school and Parish and found out that he could, in fact, take his first Holy Communion and do so through the school, it was another turning point where I started to see all the No’s in the Catholic faith turn to Yes’s.

The next experiences that will always stay with me was during the month of October; the month of the Rosary. We were traveling with our friends when they introduced us to praying the Rosary. It was such a beautiful, moving experience that spoke to me in a way I still can’t explain. There we were praying together, openly and so comfortably. And yet, it was a prayer I had never prayed before. I had so many questions, like what are The Mysteries, what are the meanings of the different prayers, and are we really praying to Mary or to Jesus?

Right about that time, my good friend Joenelle Cooley mentioned RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) to me. And I remember thinking, okay, that sounds interesting, and really good place to get all these questions answered. But I never thought I would convert to being Catholic. Because the idea of converting from Lutheran was like leaving behind who I was, who I was raised to be. And so I met with Karen Glen who answered so many questions for me. And then Fr. Anthony reached out.  And he was so welcoming and warm. I never felt judged: he made me feel so comfortable asking all those looming questions that I was afraid to ask, and also helped me work through any struggles I had with the idea of converting. He encouraged me to join RCIA. I trusted him and I could be transparent with him, and he helped me see that perhaps this journey I am on is what the Lord intended for me, and that although I was raised Lutheran, becoming Catholic is just a continuation of that journey.  And I began to fall in love with a religion I had never known.

I’ll never forget, our family was rushing to get ready to leave the house one night to go to Cathedral of Christ the Light in Oakland where, along with my fellow RCIA members, our names would be entered into the Book of the Elect. It was one of the first of many beautiful Masses we would attend in preparation for the Easter Vigil. We were running late, and I remember Roman yelling at Zosia from the other room, “Zosia, hurry up, you want Mom to be Catholic, don’t you?”. And looking back, hearing him say that, it sounds like a title. And now, here I am, Catholic. And it doesn’t feel like a label. I just feel whole. Discussing my innermost concern about converting from being Lutheran, something I have identified with my entire life, to Catholic. Father Anthony helped me realize that wouldn’t my grandmother want me to follow where God was leading me and follow my faith? I know this is where God wants me to be. And not only have I fallen in love with the Catholic faith, it has fulfilled a part of me I never knew was missing. When I enter this beautiful church and look up at that alter, I find a peace that can’t be found anywhere else. I find that I am a better mother, wife, sister and daughter. I am a better me.

Recently I was reading the little black book given to me by Karen Glen during Lent and came across a reading that I want to share with you;

• The question is not “How am I to find God?” but “How am I to let myself be found by Him?”
• The question is not “How am I to know God?” but “How am I to let myself be known by God?”
• And, finally, the question is not “How am I to love God?” but “How am I to let myself be loved by God?”

- Henri Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming